Not so long ago on our own planet, there lived a selfish Arab queen named Coal Black. She was one of the most selfish rulers ever (right next to Emperor Cuzco). Constantly she was demanding her own way in everything, including the best manicures the kingdom could offer. The strange thing about Coal Black was that she was, indeed, black. She was not a tanned brown like most Arabs. This was because she was descended from a long line of people who used acidic zit-cream.
Now in this same part of the world lived the Good-Evil Witch. Good-Evil believed in the balance of darkness and light and eternal life through the Force. Every day the Witch would meditate and search out the answer to the same question ‘Who is the most selfish of them all?’ However, Coal Black’s acidic zit-cream caused impenetrable layers of zits in the auras throughout the kingdom. Thus she was unable to discover the answer to her request.
Now there came unto Coal Black a bounty hunter. After being paid, he disclosed that he had discovered the last place on Earth where there were Anakims (that is, the giants descended from Anak). Of course, wishing to increase her fame, Coal Black immediately sent out her army to fetch them. When they returned the general of the army reported having captured fifty Anakim, and killed all of the rest. However when she came out to see them she was shocked.
“That one,” she pointed, “is an ogre, not an Anakim.”
“Are they not also rare?” The general was confused.
“But haven’t you seen Shrek?” Coal Black was horrified to receive a negative response, “Ogres are like onions! It would be improper for me to be seen crying in public should something happen. Send him to What’s-his-face over in Turkey, he’s not a chicken.”
When Good-Evil heard of this, she became angry. She was certain that Coal Black was more selfish than she was, and was annoyed at her meditation being constantly zit-laden. So she devised a plan to get rid of Coal Black. She got an apple (who knows where from, here in Arabia) and injected pig fat into it. Then she slipped in to where the Anakim were being kept.
“Here,” she whispered to the leader, “if you wish to be free take this and give it to the queen.”
“What is it?” he replied.
“It is an apple. You must tell her that it will make all her wishes come true, any selfish person will fall for that. Snow White did when I tried it on her.”
“You’re the witch from Snow White?” he asked, amazed.
“Yes, but that’s not important right now.” With that she whisked away.
Now Anakim are not the smartest people in the world, and this one was no exception. He figured if this ‘Apple’ (whatever it was) would make all the queen’s wishes come true, then it would work for him and his friends too. Then they could wish to escape. So he divided it among all his men. The next morning when the queen came out to see them, the Witch was there again.
“Coal Black,” she called, “the apple contained pig fat!”
This comment was designed to cause the queen to feint dead (no, not faint, feint). Then the religious requirements would be fulfilled. Then she could use her aural powers to cause the feint to be real. However Coal Black had never seen the apple.
“What’s an apple?” Coal Black called back.
Good-Evil did not hear this, as she was already trying to use her aural powers and was deep in a trance. However, again the zits interfered. Instead of killing Coal Black she caused all of the fifty (sorry, forty-nine) Anakim to break out with amazing cases of acne.
“What have you done!” Coal Black cried, “No one will want to look upon pimpled Anakim!”
She called her hairdressers and ordered them to coat the Anakim in zit-cream. They hadn’t the foggiest clue what they were doing, and ended up shaving the Anakim’s hair off. After days of trying to get rid of the zits the Anakim had shrunk down to normal size.
“Oh no!” cried Coal Black, “My Anakim are no longer a novelty!”
She feinted fainting and feinted herself into a faint (say that ten-times fast). She then dropped into a coma. The fifty (sorry, forty-nine) normal (sorry, they were bald) men grabbed the witch and ran off.
The kingdom plunged into chaos, Coal Black had not been a good queen, but she was better than nothing. The most studied doctors in the world came to diagnose her. They all came to the same conclusion, since being selfish brought this upon her she would have to become unselfish. Since ‘love covers over a multitude of sins’ they figured someone had to love her.
Her advisors thought and thought, and finally decided that if they could get someone to kiss her that would be good enough. Unfortunately, everyone in the kingdom was far too afraid of her to kiss her. Then one day a man was seen approaching the castle.
“Look!” they said one to another, “Here comes what’s-his-face from Turkey! He’s no chicken!”
When he arrived they greeted him joyously; “We are so glad you are here, that you may kiss our queen and our kingdom may be restored.”
“What?” asked what’s-his-face from Turkey (did we mention that he’s no chicken?)
“Are you not here,” they replied, “from fate and the immense springs of love in your heart to kiss our queen and restore our kingdom?”
“Huh?”
“They want you to kiss her,” the ogre behind him translated.
“Oh? How much will you pay me?”
“Pay?” Now the advisors were confused.
“If I’m going to kiss this hag I’d better get paid for it.”
“Are you not the here to kiss our queen—”
“That your kingdom may be restored? No, what’s with talking in this flowery language anyway? I came to return this Ogre; he won’t stop talking about getting his swamp back.”
“Oh, well, we’ll pay you $1000.”
“That’s it? Forget it.”
“Fine, fine, how much do you want to be paid in order to kiss our queen and break the coma that our kingdom may be restored?”
“How much have you got?”
They finally had to agree to give him the whole kingdom if he would but kiss her. So he leaned over and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. The advisors watched expectantly, but nothing happened.
“You did not kiss her well enough.” They concluded.
“Hey, you’re going to have to pay me a lot more than you did to get me to do more than that.”
“But we have given you everything. It doesn’t make sense, once she is loved by someone she should wake up.”
“Woah, woah, love?”
“You kissed her.”
“Because you gave me the entire kingdom! No love involved.”
“But—”
“I think I have a solution to this dilemma.” Said the Ogre.
“Truly, what?”
“Well,” explained the Ogre, “You just gave him the entire kingdom, he’s the ruler anyway. You don’t need her.”
“Oh, yes!” They cried, “You’re brilliant!”
They threw her body out of a nearby window, where it fell on top of a chicken, who ran off screaming that the sky was falling.
And the new king proved to be a better ruler than the queen ever was, and outlawed the use of zit-cream.